I've spent a lot of time over the past year praying and being scared.
It's funny to me now that I could be doing both. How does one be prayerful and yet scared? Let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Deep down I knew my prayers would be answered. But somewhere in the forefront of my mind the doubt monster was rearing it's ugly head.
What if Samuel didn't get into Intermountain? We want him to come home and live with us at some point....but what if that could never happen? When he was home the fears became "he said he wouldn't try to hurt anyone if we didn't alarm his door, but what if he does?"
I wish I could say that I didn't have that fear and that my faith kept me from feeling those fears.
However, I wouldn't really be human if I could say that.
Regardless, the fears and prayers have changed. The fear now is that he won't ever show him his vulnerable side (although honestly he's starting to let go of that tight control he has over it), and that they'll send him home too early.
Samuel is doing good. And by good I mean he's starting to let the staff in. He's building relationships that scare him. He's not sure how to do build relationships that aren't scary but at the same time the relationships he is building allow him to allow the side he doesn't want people to see to come out. He's not as concerned as he was about showing that side.
While we were visiting this last weekend he melted down in therapy, but we dealt with it. On Saturday when all of us were there he had two fairly good meltdowns in 3 hours. Again, we dealt with it with the help of the amazing staff they have. He was so worried about melting down while we were there that Thursday was a really rough day for him. They are seeing a lot of anxiety coming out and since he's not medicated very much his anxiety is peeking through more and more.
Usually I would say that melt downs weren't the way we want him to learn, but he is learning and we're so grateful for the learning that is taking place!
Stuart and Samuel's Branch President were able to ordain him to be a deacon on Sunday. The joy Samuel had was wonderful, and the Spirit was so strong! We honestly weren't sure if he'd be able to be ordained, but it was so amazing. After they ordained him they blessed the sacrament and he was able to pass it for the first time to us. What a tender mercy that was!
I can see the hand of Heavenly Father in my life. I may have those fears, and I probably always will. But despite the fears I know that he's always there for all of us.
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