Wrestle

                Over the past year and a half Stuart and I have spent a lot of time in prayer.  We needed guidance from Heavenly Father to know the path we needed to take.  We’ve known since before KatieJo and Samuel came to us that they were our children.  That sounds a little crazy, and to the rest of the world it might be.  But we knew.  We knew when they walked in our door that they were the children we hadn’t had the chance to have yet.  And so when Samuel started having issues it was a big struggle for us.  We didn’t know how to proceed.  Everything we had planned or dreamed of for Samuel changed.  He wasn’t the little boy I had rocked to sleep or read books to and he wasn’t the boy Stuart had taught to play soccer or helped write his first talk.  He disappeared and fell beneath the surface of a very real, very big mental health problem.

                Most people don’t talk about mental health.  There is a huge stigma behind it and most judge because of what they don’t see.  But, we saw it.  We knew.  And we knew that we needed to do something more for him.  And so we prayed, and cried and prayed and hoped and just prayed. 

                As I was reading the assigned scriptures for my Book of Mormon class this week I felt very drawn to Enos 1:2 “And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins.”  This verse has been very real for us for quite a while.  The Book of Mormon Student Manual says “Enos did not wrestle with God.  The record states that Enos wrestled before God in prayer.  Such wrestling is the struggle to find and express one’s real desires under the inspiration of the Holy Ghost.  Praying in this manner requires that a person eliminate vain, trite, or insincere repetitions and to pour the deepest desires of his or her heart into words.  Each phrase becomes and expression of yearning and desire to do God’s will.”

                We had to humble ourselves so much before Heavenly Father.  We were raw.  I can’t say that it was physically painful, but it was very emotionally and spiritually painful.  The decisions we were making for Samuel were not decisions that were approved of by a lot of people.  We were told that a lot of family members didn’t feel that Samuel should be put into a residential treatment center and that they could handle what was going on with him.  It was a hard and lonely path to walk, even with both of us standing side by side. 

                I really think we were blessed as Enos was blessed.  He was given Gospel truths, he learned about eternal life, and he wanted to know if the things he was learning were true.  He also obeyed the commandments and knelt down before Father and prayed and cried.  While I can’t say that we are exactly like Enos, there will never be scriptures written about me or Stuart; I can say that we followed the same path as Enos. (See Book of Mormon Student Manual Chapter 17 for a fuller description.  I paraphrased what is written there.)

                Our decisions for Samuel weren’t based upon our desires.  It’s never been our desire to send Samuel away.  If it was we could have signed our rights to him back over to Iowa.  He is our son and he is a child of God and we have tried our very hardest to make sure we are following what Heavenly Father wants us to do.  He knows Samuel.  He knows of our love for him.  And he has allowed us to be Samuel’s parents here on this earth.  I’m grateful for that. 

                While our decisions haven’t been popular among many we know, particularly family we know that the decisions we’ve made are the right ones.  We have followed our Heavenly Father’s desires and not only are we better for it, but Samuel is too.  The joy he has had recently discussing the scriptures and reading them with us and his Branch President make it very clear to us that he is in the right place.  I’m so grateful to Heavenly Father for the chance we’ve had to be like Enos and to “wrestle” before Him.  We’ve learned a lot about ourselves and our Heavenly Father.