Wrestle

                Over the past year and a half Stuart and I have spent a lot of time in prayer.  We needed guidance from Heavenly Father to know the path we needed to take.  We’ve known since before KatieJo and Samuel came to us that they were our children.  That sounds a little crazy, and to the rest of the world it might be.  But we knew.  We knew when they walked in our door that they were the children we hadn’t had the chance to have yet.  And so when Samuel started having issues it was a big struggle for us.  We didn’t know how to proceed.  Everything we had planned or dreamed of for Samuel changed.  He wasn’t the little boy I had rocked to sleep or read books to and he wasn’t the boy Stuart had taught to play soccer or helped write his first talk.  He disappeared and fell beneath the surface of a very real, very big mental health problem.

                Most people don’t talk about mental health.  There is a huge stigma behind it and most judge because of what they don’t see.  But, we saw it.  We knew.  And we knew that we needed to do something more for him.  And so we prayed, and cried and prayed and hoped and just prayed. 

                As I was reading the assigned scriptures for my Book of Mormon class this week I felt very drawn to Enos 1:2 “And I will tell you of the wrestle which I had before God, before I received a remission of my sins.”  This verse has been very real for us for quite a while.  The Book of Mormon Student Manual says “Enos did not wrestle with God.  The record states that Enos wrestled before God in prayer.  Such wrestling is the struggle to find and express one’s real desires under the inspiration of the Holy Ghost.  Praying in this manner requires that a person eliminate vain, trite, or insincere repetitions and to pour the deepest desires of his or her heart into words.  Each phrase becomes and expression of yearning and desire to do God’s will.”

                We had to humble ourselves so much before Heavenly Father.  We were raw.  I can’t say that it was physically painful, but it was very emotionally and spiritually painful.  The decisions we were making for Samuel were not decisions that were approved of by a lot of people.  We were told that a lot of family members didn’t feel that Samuel should be put into a residential treatment center and that they could handle what was going on with him.  It was a hard and lonely path to walk, even with both of us standing side by side. 

                I really think we were blessed as Enos was blessed.  He was given Gospel truths, he learned about eternal life, and he wanted to know if the things he was learning were true.  He also obeyed the commandments and knelt down before Father and prayed and cried.  While I can’t say that we are exactly like Enos, there will never be scriptures written about me or Stuart; I can say that we followed the same path as Enos. (See Book of Mormon Student Manual Chapter 17 for a fuller description.  I paraphrased what is written there.)

                Our decisions for Samuel weren’t based upon our desires.  It’s never been our desire to send Samuel away.  If it was we could have signed our rights to him back over to Iowa.  He is our son and he is a child of God and we have tried our very hardest to make sure we are following what Heavenly Father wants us to do.  He knows Samuel.  He knows of our love for him.  And he has allowed us to be Samuel’s parents here on this earth.  I’m grateful for that. 

                While our decisions haven’t been popular among many we know, particularly family we know that the decisions we’ve made are the right ones.  We have followed our Heavenly Father’s desires and not only are we better for it, but Samuel is too.  The joy he has had recently discussing the scriptures and reading them with us and his Branch President make it very clear to us that he is in the right place.  I’m so grateful to Heavenly Father for the chance we’ve had to be like Enos and to “wrestle” before Him.  We’ve learned a lot about ourselves and our Heavenly Father.

Charity

I have always struggled to share my testimony or the gospel with friends and people I know.  I’ve never really stopped to think too much about why I struggle so much with it until this last week at the BYU-Idaho Pathway gathering I was at this last week.  Growing up my Grandfather was very pushy with his religious beliefs.  It honestly felt to me that he was pushing what he believed down my throat.  It didn’t ever feel like he really loved me and wanted me to believe what he did because he really cared, but rather that it was just what he felt was right and so I should believe it no questions asked.

So the assignment to read 2 Nephi 9-16 really meant a lot to me.  In class the group I was in was charged with discussing 2 Nephi 11; particularly reading 1 Corinthians 13:1 and looking at the principle taught and how Nephi supported the principle that was taught in 1 Corinthians.

1 Corinthians 13:1 says “Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.”

What does that mean?  I read it to mean that even if we have the true information, it’s just noise if we don’t have charity or the True Love of Christ for those we are sharing it with.  

When looking at 2 Nephi 11, how did Nephi support what was written in 1 Corinthians?  In verses 4-6 Nephi says:

“Behold, my soul delighteth in proving unto my people the truth of the coming of Christ; for, for this end hath the law of Moses been given; and all things which have been given of God from the beginning of the world, unto man, are the typifying of him.

 5 And also my soul delighteth in the covenants of the Lord which he hath made to our fathers; yea, my soul delighteth in his grace, and in his justice, and power, and mercy in the great and eternal plan of deliverance from death.

 6 And my soul delighteth in proving unto my people that save Christ should come all men must perish.”

Why would Nephi write that he delighteth so much if he didn’t love the people he was teaching?  He wouldn’t.  He honestly loved those he was teaching and because he loved those he was teaching.  He really had the true love of Christ for his people.

Have you ever heard returned missionaries talk about how they grew to love the people who live in the area they served?  Stuart talks about how much he loved the Mexican people he served while on his mission.  I think one of the reasons we have missionaries is because they grow to love the people and once they have that love it honestly means something to them to teach the Gospel. 

I think had my Grandpa expressed his love for me, my opinion of how he taught me would have been different.  I didn’t know him very well and he didn’t know me well.  It may sound a little harsh, but love doesn’t just happen because we are related.  I have no doubt Grandpa believed that the things his religion taught were true.  I also have no doubt that he really thought I should believe the things he did.  However, without charity it didn’t mean a whole lot. 

I've spent a lot of time over the past year praying and being scared.

It's funny to me now that I could be doing both.  How does one be prayerful and yet scared?  Let me tell you, it wasn't easy.  Deep down I knew my prayers would be answered.  But somewhere in the forefront of my mind the doubt monster was rearing it's ugly head.

What if Samuel didn't get into Intermountain?  We want him to come home and live with us at some point....but what if that could never happen?  When he was home the fears became "he said he wouldn't try to hurt anyone if we didn't alarm his door, but what if he does?"

I wish I could say that I didn't have that fear and that my faith kept me from feeling those fears.

However, I wouldn't really be human if I could say that.

Regardless, the fears and prayers have changed.  The fear now is that he won't ever show him his vulnerable side (although honestly he's starting to let go of that tight control he has over it), and that they'll send him home too early.  

Samuel is doing good.  And by good I mean he's starting to let the staff in.  He's building relationships that scare him.  He's not sure how to do build relationships that aren't scary but at the same time the relationships he is building allow him to allow the side he doesn't want people to see to come out.  He's not as concerned as he was about showing that side.  

While we were visiting this last weekend he melted down in therapy, but we dealt with it.  On Saturday when all of us were there he had two fairly good meltdowns in 3 hours.  Again, we dealt with it with the help of the amazing staff they have.  He was so worried about melting down while we were there that Thursday was a really rough day for him.  They are seeing a lot of anxiety coming out and since he's not medicated very much his anxiety is peeking through more and more.

Usually I would say that melt downs weren't the way we want him to learn, but he is learning and we're so grateful for the learning that is taking place!  

Stuart and Samuel's Branch President were able to ordain him to be a deacon on Sunday.  The joy Samuel had was wonderful, and the Spirit was so strong!  We honestly weren't sure if he'd be able to be ordained, but it was so amazing.  After they ordained him they blessed the sacrament and he was able to pass it for the first time to us.  What a tender mercy that was!

I can see the hand of Heavenly Father in my life.  I may have those fears, and I probably always will.  But despite the fears I know that he's always there for all of us.

Summer

I feel a little like the kids in High School musical.

Summer, Summer, Summer!

KatieJo has 1 day left and Stuart has 4 days left of school.  But who's counting?

I am of course.  Phillip and Maija are on a reduced load of school work already.  Phillip has put in a lot of time this year with eye therapy and school work that he's almost caught up with math and language arts.  It isn't that he doesn't have the capabilities.  He's just had so many problems with his eyes that learning new material has come really hard for him.  We also don't want either Maija or Phillip to loose much over the summer so we're schooling Mondays to Thursday with a math lesson on Friday.

Stuart is working at Columbia Basin Racquet Club teaching swim lessons and coaching the pre-swim team.  Which makes it easier for the rest of us to stay on a schedule.  Most summers I feel like everyday is Saturday so we don't accomplish anything.  And, this is the first summer since Phillip was born that we aren't headed down to Colorado for the summer. 

We get to have Samuel home next week!

  We're all excited and a little apprehensive.  He's been accepted into Intermountain and provided we can get funding for room and board in place he'll go in on June 22nd.  It's a little bitter sweet.  We all know it'll be really good for him, but we're all scared and worried about it as well.  He feels the same.   

We're aiming for a nice quiet summer.  Besides teaching piano lessons and school work our plan is to spend a lot of time at the pool.  A perk of Stuart working at CBRC is that we get a very discounted membership and they have several nice pools for us to swim at.  A lot of kids that ours attend workshops with swim there all summer so automatic playdates are nice!

Spring

Spring has sprung here in the desert!

We are all sneezing and coughing and attempting to drink/take the entire bottle of zyrtec!  (Well Maija is anyway.)

I really love spring.  

But, with all the produce our area produces we all sound like we are suffering from nasty colds with a few sinus infections thrown in.

Despite all the sneezing and coughing, we are enjoying our spring!

It's so beautiful to see Dogwoods bloom.  If I had to pick my favorite flowering tree that would be it.  Some people down the street have a pink and white one that was grafted together and it is so beautiful!

We had the pleasure of working in the yard today.  I did about an hour while Stuart was at work raking up leaves from neighborhood trees that end up against the fence and the neighbors trees/bushes that border our yard.  They don't clean up the leaves and I don't like looking at them.  So, I got a pretty good workout raking leaves into piles.

After Stuart got home and I taught a piano lesson we spent another hour outside picking up leaves (which took an hour just to get 1/4 of the leaves up....did I mention we don't have any trees in our yard?) and some various other small projects.  

The younger kids played outside until dusk when they realized they were hungry.  It was 76 outside today and it was almost painful to tell them to come inside.  I'm so grateful we home school and they can take a "beautiful weather day"!  We didn't take quite a few of the days off the district did this year nor all of the Christmas break.  So, while it's not too hot we may just take a few more "beautiful weather days".  

I thought perhaps I should give an update on Samuel.

He is currently living with Stuart's parents.  Having him move there has to be one of the hardest decisions we've ever had to make.  He has to live in the state because his secondary insurance through WA won't pay a dime towards long term inpatient, but Montana's does.  We are *still* trying to get him into a residential treatment center in Helena, MT.  It specializes in kids who have a Reactive Attachment Disorder.  We are hoping that he'll be accepted in June.  They only take 35 kids at one location and 8 at another.  It's a long wait!

It is an intense program that involves very intense therapy on his part and ours.  Parenting a kid with RAD is not like parenting a typical child.  Stuart and I have still been seeing the therapist here who specializes in RAD and it amazes me how much I've learned!

Somedays I feel like I'm not the right mom for Samuel and a friend reminded me this last week that I am the right mom for Samuel.  We just aren't the right place for him to live right now.  It is currently safer for him not to be here for him and us.

It's just so hard to not have your child live with you.  I have to admit that I always looked funny at people who didn't have all of their kids living at home.  I get it now.  I will never judge again.  Until you realize that there is always more to the story it is just so easy to judge.

A good thing has come out of our experiences so far with Samuel which is that I have been presented with several opportunities to help parents and kids who are going through what we've been going through.  I volunteer with a program called PAVE which is a parent advocacy group that goes to school meetings with parents and help with IEP's and 504 plans etc.  I am also on the board for a 501(c)3 that helps parents and kids find the resources and have the peer support that is so desperately needed when you are trying to find the help your children need.  I understand these parents.  I get what they are going through.  And it's always nice to know you aren't alone. 

Here's hoping to some great news about the school soon!!!

We pray

It's not very often that I share personal information about things that would normally be considered "skeletons in the closet".

But, it's time.

We feel like we've been suffering alone.  Logically however, we know we aren't the only family to have lived through children who have mental health issues.  But, it's a lonely road to walk.

Many people that we've been close with have criticized us for being too hard on Samuel, but because we've not shared what happens in our home it is easy to look in from the outside and feel that way.

Samuel suffers from bi-polar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder and possibly an attachment disorder.  Truth be told, he has the alphabet behind his name and not the kind that says you paid a lot of money to go to school.  He also suffers from a lot of frontal lobe damage from inutero drug use.  In other words, these things aren't from things he's done or we've done.  He is innocent.

What that means is that he cycles through being extremely awake and wired; literally never sleeping for days at a time to extremely depressed.  On top of not sleeping or being really depressed he worries about everything.  Really, everything.  He worries if we can pay our mortgage, or if we have enough gas in the car to make it somewhere (just a side note, these are not logical fears as we've never not had gas or paid our mortgage.)  During the last election he asked to fill out our ballots so he would know we were voting for the "right" candidates.  He also rages.  Like the I want to kill you, and myself and if I don't succeed in that I'm going to run.  He feels rage most of the time.  Sometimes he controls it.  But it gets tiring after a while.  It takes a lot of work to control the anger and it is really a lot easier to not control it. 

We've had to remove just about everything from his room because it's just too much to handle.  We have to set an alarm to make sure we get  him his medicine to him on time.  We alarm his room every night so we know if he's left his room.  He's threatened to harm/kill the family when he's in a depressed mood or a rage.  We can't allow him to be anywhere in the house by himself or with one of the other kids because it's not safe. 

We have to be extremely vigilant when we go places.  If he's angry for any reason he'll try to run.  

We also can't ask him to do anything at home.  No really, nothing.  Asking him to do a chore is like starting World War III.  Can't even ask him to do homework or shower.

Until recently he never acted out at school, church or at his friends' house.  That has changed.  It used to be he would never try to hurt himself.  That again has changed.

He is on enough medicine that a grown adult would have problems staying awake on.  And yet he doesn't sleep. 

We've been part of the most intense program the state of Washington has for kids.  And while Stuart and I got a lot out of the program, Samuel didn't get much out of it.  We are at a loss.  There aren't any other programs or therapies for us to go to.  We have changed up his therapist in hopes that the new one may have some different insights.  We are also seeing a new psychiatrist.  

Because of how intense his behaviors are getting we are at the point of finding a long term inpatient school.  But those schools are expensive and none of them happen to be in Washington.  On top of that, Washington doesn't think kids need long term inpatient treatment.  Particularly children under the age of 13.  The police can't even do anything if we call them because he's not 13.

There are a lot of negatives being thrown out.  And there are a lot of negatives.

But somewhere the sweet boy we used to see all the time is in him.  The boy that loved soccer and football.  The one that likes to read and likes to banter with his sister.  The one who enjoys school and church.  

The one who was happy.

We feel like we're wandering without knowing where we are going.  And he's drowning and we can't find the life preserver.  

We worry non stop about his mental health and his future.  Will he be able to hold it together?  Will we be able to find the medicine he needs?  Can we stop him from hurting someone before it ruins his life?  Will he ever be able to live on his own?  Can we afford  what he needs?  How do we help him find himself again?  Will he be one of those guys you hear about on the news that commits a mass murder?  Will he commit suicide?

We have one really awesome positive right now and that's the state of Iowa.  Because he was a special needs adoption he automatically gets secondary insurance through the state.  Chances are they will pay for the inpatient school.  $380 a day isn't a small sum.  It's more than we bring home a month and the program is 18-24 months long.  Most parents in the situation we're in end up having to sign their parental rights over so that their child will get the services they need because it costs too much.

It shouldn't have to be that way.  We shouldn't have to wonder if we're going to have to sign our rights over so he can get the care he needs.  

It's not fair.  And it's most definitely not fair that Samuel feels the way he does. 

Why can't we fix it?  We're his parents and we can't make it better.

We pray every night that we don't make it worse.  That we make the right decisions and that those decisions help him.

We pray that he finds himself amidst all the stuff that goes on in his head and that he can navigate his way to safety. 

We pray that he knows that we love him.