Spring

Spring has sprung here in the desert!

We are all sneezing and coughing and attempting to drink/take the entire bottle of zyrtec!  (Well Maija is anyway.)

I really love spring.  

But, with all the produce our area produces we all sound like we are suffering from nasty colds with a few sinus infections thrown in.

Despite all the sneezing and coughing, we are enjoying our spring!

It's so beautiful to see Dogwoods bloom.  If I had to pick my favorite flowering tree that would be it.  Some people down the street have a pink and white one that was grafted together and it is so beautiful!

We had the pleasure of working in the yard today.  I did about an hour while Stuart was at work raking up leaves from neighborhood trees that end up against the fence and the neighbors trees/bushes that border our yard.  They don't clean up the leaves and I don't like looking at them.  So, I got a pretty good workout raking leaves into piles.

After Stuart got home and I taught a piano lesson we spent another hour outside picking up leaves (which took an hour just to get 1/4 of the leaves up....did I mention we don't have any trees in our yard?) and some various other small projects.  

The younger kids played outside until dusk when they realized they were hungry.  It was 76 outside today and it was almost painful to tell them to come inside.  I'm so grateful we home school and they can take a "beautiful weather day"!  We didn't take quite a few of the days off the district did this year nor all of the Christmas break.  So, while it's not too hot we may just take a few more "beautiful weather days".  

I thought perhaps I should give an update on Samuel.

He is currently living with Stuart's parents.  Having him move there has to be one of the hardest decisions we've ever had to make.  He has to live in the state because his secondary insurance through WA won't pay a dime towards long term inpatient, but Montana's does.  We are *still* trying to get him into a residential treatment center in Helena, MT.  It specializes in kids who have a Reactive Attachment Disorder.  We are hoping that he'll be accepted in June.  They only take 35 kids at one location and 8 at another.  It's a long wait!

It is an intense program that involves very intense therapy on his part and ours.  Parenting a kid with RAD is not like parenting a typical child.  Stuart and I have still been seeing the therapist here who specializes in RAD and it amazes me how much I've learned!

Somedays I feel like I'm not the right mom for Samuel and a friend reminded me this last week that I am the right mom for Samuel.  We just aren't the right place for him to live right now.  It is currently safer for him not to be here for him and us.

It's just so hard to not have your child live with you.  I have to admit that I always looked funny at people who didn't have all of their kids living at home.  I get it now.  I will never judge again.  Until you realize that there is always more to the story it is just so easy to judge.

A good thing has come out of our experiences so far with Samuel which is that I have been presented with several opportunities to help parents and kids who are going through what we've been going through.  I volunteer with a program called PAVE which is a parent advocacy group that goes to school meetings with parents and help with IEP's and 504 plans etc.  I am also on the board for a 501(c)3 that helps parents and kids find the resources and have the peer support that is so desperately needed when you are trying to find the help your children need.  I understand these parents.  I get what they are going through.  And it's always nice to know you aren't alone. 

Here's hoping to some great news about the school soon!!!

We pray

It's not very often that I share personal information about things that would normally be considered "skeletons in the closet".

But, it's time.

We feel like we've been suffering alone.  Logically however, we know we aren't the only family to have lived through children who have mental health issues.  But, it's a lonely road to walk.

Many people that we've been close with have criticized us for being too hard on Samuel, but because we've not shared what happens in our home it is easy to look in from the outside and feel that way.

Samuel suffers from bi-polar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, ADHD, oppositional defiance disorder and possibly an attachment disorder.  Truth be told, he has the alphabet behind his name and not the kind that says you paid a lot of money to go to school.  He also suffers from a lot of frontal lobe damage from inutero drug use.  In other words, these things aren't from things he's done or we've done.  He is innocent.

What that means is that he cycles through being extremely awake and wired; literally never sleeping for days at a time to extremely depressed.  On top of not sleeping or being really depressed he worries about everything.  Really, everything.  He worries if we can pay our mortgage, or if we have enough gas in the car to make it somewhere (just a side note, these are not logical fears as we've never not had gas or paid our mortgage.)  During the last election he asked to fill out our ballots so he would know we were voting for the "right" candidates.  He also rages.  Like the I want to kill you, and myself and if I don't succeed in that I'm going to run.  He feels rage most of the time.  Sometimes he controls it.  But it gets tiring after a while.  It takes a lot of work to control the anger and it is really a lot easier to not control it. 

We've had to remove just about everything from his room because it's just too much to handle.  We have to set an alarm to make sure we get  him his medicine to him on time.  We alarm his room every night so we know if he's left his room.  He's threatened to harm/kill the family when he's in a depressed mood or a rage.  We can't allow him to be anywhere in the house by himself or with one of the other kids because it's not safe. 

We have to be extremely vigilant when we go places.  If he's angry for any reason he'll try to run.  

We also can't ask him to do anything at home.  No really, nothing.  Asking him to do a chore is like starting World War III.  Can't even ask him to do homework or shower.

Until recently he never acted out at school, church or at his friends' house.  That has changed.  It used to be he would never try to hurt himself.  That again has changed.

He is on enough medicine that a grown adult would have problems staying awake on.  And yet he doesn't sleep. 

We've been part of the most intense program the state of Washington has for kids.  And while Stuart and I got a lot out of the program, Samuel didn't get much out of it.  We are at a loss.  There aren't any other programs or therapies for us to go to.  We have changed up his therapist in hopes that the new one may have some different insights.  We are also seeing a new psychiatrist.  

Because of how intense his behaviors are getting we are at the point of finding a long term inpatient school.  But those schools are expensive and none of them happen to be in Washington.  On top of that, Washington doesn't think kids need long term inpatient treatment.  Particularly children under the age of 13.  The police can't even do anything if we call them because he's not 13.

There are a lot of negatives being thrown out.  And there are a lot of negatives.

But somewhere the sweet boy we used to see all the time is in him.  The boy that loved soccer and football.  The one that likes to read and likes to banter with his sister.  The one who enjoys school and church.  

The one who was happy.

We feel like we're wandering without knowing where we are going.  And he's drowning and we can't find the life preserver.  

We worry non stop about his mental health and his future.  Will he be able to hold it together?  Will we be able to find the medicine he needs?  Can we stop him from hurting someone before it ruins his life?  Will he ever be able to live on his own?  Can we afford  what he needs?  How do we help him find himself again?  Will he be one of those guys you hear about on the news that commits a mass murder?  Will he commit suicide?

We have one really awesome positive right now and that's the state of Iowa.  Because he was a special needs adoption he automatically gets secondary insurance through the state.  Chances are they will pay for the inpatient school.  $380 a day isn't a small sum.  It's more than we bring home a month and the program is 18-24 months long.  Most parents in the situation we're in end up having to sign their parental rights over so that their child will get the services they need because it costs too much.

It shouldn't have to be that way.  We shouldn't have to wonder if we're going to have to sign our rights over so he can get the care he needs.  

It's not fair.  And it's most definitely not fair that Samuel feels the way he does. 

Why can't we fix it?  We're his parents and we can't make it better.

We pray every night that we don't make it worse.  That we make the right decisions and that those decisions help him.

We pray that he finds himself amidst all the stuff that goes on in his head and that he can navigate his way to safety. 

We pray that he knows that we love him.

Movin' right along....

Phew!  After 4,600 miles we are HOME!

Okay...KatieJo, Phillip and I missed 1,100 of those miles as we flew to Denver in early July.

However, we were a part of the rest of them!

We visited Denver, CO; Council Bluffs, IA; Newton, IA; Cedar Rapids, IA; Dodgeville, WI; Denver (again); Twin Falls, ID and then finally home.

We drove through Idaho,Oregon, Utah, Wyoming, Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa, and Wisconsin. 

We got to visit A LOT of relatives and friends that we haven't seen in a long time.  

KatieJo and Samuel got to meet their birth mom, Grandma Pat, Great Grandma and Grandpa Urias.  We also got to spend some awesome time with their Aunt Nicki, their brother Payton and some great cousins!

Pictured below are (L to R) Payton, Samuel, Staci (birth mom), Kaiden (younger half brother) and KatieJo.

 They even got to fish.  Phillip caught a bass (not pictured below).  And Stuart caught this on a barbie pole.  Maija takes credit for the catch however.

 From left to right, cousin Libby, Aunt Nicki, Grandma Pat and KatieJo

 In Cedar Rapids we stayed with some amazing friends of ours, Mary and Brian Stubblefield and their 4 kids.  We had such a great time and wish we lived closer!

 Our last stop before heading back to Denver was at Stuart's sister Hannah's.  They live in Dodgeville, WI so we don't get to see them very often.  We got to meet Winston, what a doll he is!

 Stuart's youngest sister Jada spent the summer at Hannah's and we had the privileged of bringing her back to Idaho.  She was SO. MUCH. FUN!  She and KatieJo had a great time sitting in the back of the car together!

 Phillip and Orion.  Orion is 2 weeks older than Phillip and used to be taller than him.  I think perhaps Phillip got hold of the miracle grow!

 At one point almost everybody was up in this tree.  I'm glad the dad's took care of climbing up with them! 

 Sweet Oliver!

 William, what an amazing boy!

 I'm so grateful to be able to call Hannah and Phillip (and their cute kids) family!  We are so blessed and had a great time with them!!

After Wisconsin we headed back to Denver to attend a wedding. 

But, I'll have to wait until the next post for those pictures.

A little of this, a little of that

It seems strange to think the school year is winding down!

Stuart has his final concerts in a few weeks.  His silly accompanist is having brain surgery on May 16th and demanded that the concerts should be before surgery.  

For the record I crack myself up!  George (a friend named my tumor and it kind of stuck) is being evicted on the 16th and although I'm glad he's being removed, it's still kind of scary.  Okay....a lot scary!

Thankfully our moms are coming in to rescue us!  My mom will be in Seattle with me after surgery so Stuart can come home and go back to work and Stuart's mom is coming to stay with the kids.  I'm so grateful for both of them!

I know all the kids are affected by George, but Phillip is struggling vocally more than the others.  He prays nightly that I'll be able to keep my hearing so I can hear him.  I find that a little funny, but he's really concerned that if I can't hear out of my left ear he can't homeschool.

Samuel is currently back in the hospital up in Coeur D'Alene.  From the reports we get from the doctor and nurses he's struggling.  From his reports he isn't.  He wants to come home and we want him home.  But his medicines aren't working quite right yet.  Prayers for him would be very much appreciated right now!

As for the rest of the family they are helping me "nest".  This is going to sound morbid....a friend of mine says I'm "death nesting".  In other words I'm preparing the house and life in case something happens.  While that's true, I also want to come home from the hospital to a nice clean, organized house.  Here's hoping it happens!

My tallest girl turned 12 a few weeks ago.  I can't believe how time has passed!  She is enjoying young women's and is looking forward to going to girls camp this summer.  She is such a lovely young lady and I feel so blessed to be her mother!

Better Late than Never

Christmas has come and gone.

New Years too has come and gone and I still haven't managed to send out our Christmas letter.

I think perhaps it shall be a Valentines Letter.  

Christmas was fantastic this year and we were sufficiently spoiled!

We (against my better judgement) got the kids each a tablet for Christmas.  The older two each got a Kindle Fire and the younger two got a Leap Pad Ultra.

All four tablets can get online...EEEK!

I am so thankful for parental settings.  The only thing about the parental settings I don't like is that the Scriptures that we downloaded for them are considered an app, so when we allow them to use their Kindle Free time it counts reading the scriptures as their free time.  We need to figure a way around that because we both feel that reading scriptures should be allowed all the time!  The day after Christmas Stuart and I came downstairs to both of them doing dishes and listening to the scriptures.  

Munchkin and Tallulah have figured out that their can text back and forth to each other.  I find it terribly

funny that they send each other messages especially since Tallulah can't read!

Other than that our big family present was a puppy.  

We were planning on another dog for a while.  We had been looking at Goldendoodles and Labradoodles and wanted one that could be a therapy dog for our family that helps with anxiety.  We really thought we wouldn't be able to find one that wasn't $2500.  Which is what they typically run.  

A friend of ours however got a puppy from a breeder in the spring who breeds them for therapy dogs and doesn't charge as much because she and her mother had been in the same boat...needing a therapy dog and not being able to afford one and wants to allow more people to get them if they need them.

Enter Maize.  

She is a fabulous dog!  And we are all in love with her!

Hope you all had a VERY Merry Christmas and New Years!

The Last Straw

Christmas is my favorite time of year.  

Not because I get presents, but because I get to give presents and I LOVE the Spirit Christmas brings!

After decorating the house for Christmas this evening we read the book The Last Straw

by Paula Palangi McDonald.

In the book the mom is a little exasperated because her children aren't getting along well and the Christmas Spirit in their home seems to be lacking.  So, she decides they are going to make a bed for the Christ child to be laid upon for Christmas.  In order to make a "bed" they gathered straw and in order to put it in the manager they have to draw a name of someone else in the family and do something nice all week for that person.  For each good deed they do they get to put a piece of straw in the manger. 

I have my doubts about whether or not this is going to work in our home.  However, the kids seem really excited about it.  In fact, we already have 1 piece of straw in the manger and we drew names right before bed. 

I remember my friend Melanie and her family doing this every year and I remember wishing my family could do it to.  Well, now we are.  (I'm pretty sure it was Melanie and her family that gave us the book, manger and baby).

I'm excited for the Christmas season!  

I'm already grateful for the spirit we've had in our home and it's only December 1st!

Sisters

We've had two major accomplishments here this last week!

The Tall Girl finished her first ever 5K!

I think she's crazy but she had a BLAST running!  She participated in a group called Girls On the Run/Girls on Track.  It's a program to boost the moral of girls and to show them they can do whatever they desire.  And she did!

We're so proud of her!!  

I may not understand the need to run, but I'm so grateful that she likes to run.  It really helps her out emotionally....read Pre-Teen hormones!

And our second accomplishment is that Tallulah turned 5.  

That's right 5!  

I can't believe she's five!  It amazes me as I look back at her baby pictures just how much she's grown. 

She's quite proud to be an entire hand, and enjoyed almost a week of celebrating.

No, we didn't technically celebrate all week...but she did managed to get us to sing to her all week.

Crazy girl!